Core Values and Connection: Finding Meaning in Life’s Joys and Struggles
A guest post by TK Hart
Today’s post on Notes My Heart Wrote is a guest post. I would like to introduce you to TK Hart, who writes over at Riding (and Writing) the Spiral.
I’m always suspicious of anyone who says that there’s just one secret to anything, even if they are discussing a specific process like “growing your Substack followers” or “making the perfect omelet,” but even more so if their one secret involves the answer to a grand mystery like the meaning of human existence. I believe we each extract meaning from life based on our efforts to express, embody, and amplify our most deeply held values.
And values, even among closely aligned people, are unique and varied. Yours will be different than mine, and ours from those of our partners, friends, children, extended family, neighbors, and colleagues. Yet we love, like, or at least tolerate them anyway, usually co-existing pretty peacefully. Likewise, our favorite famous people all embrace values that don’t necessarily sync with our own, yet we still uphold them with our attention and currency.
A few years back, I picked up “The One Thing Core Values” deck produced in partnership between The One Thing authors Gary Keller and Jay Papasan and Best Self. The idea is to sort the cards into “important to me” and “not as important” piles, then pare down your “important” pile until you eliminate all but your top 10. Then your top 3. My family, friends, and colleagues all used this tool to come up with our lists, and the process sparked some fantastic conversations either at our dinner table or on work Zoom calls during the Pandemic. Some of us had an intersecting value, but none of us had two, and most of our value-sets were unique to anyone in the group. I only had one core value in common with one of my children, (ironically, the child with whom I argue the most), and I went through this exercise with all of the people closest to me at the time.
Even if all of humanity could agree that it’s true when I say people extract meaning from life based on what they value—doubtful since we all can’t seem to agree on anything—even then, if you asked a hundred people how they find meaning in life, you would get a hundred different answers. This is part of the fun in the asking – it’s intriguing to hear where and how our ideas differ and overlap. For me, meaning comes from my top three core values.
Authenticity
If I can’t be my authentic self, I feel like my skin is on too tight and my brain might explode. I can’t pretend to be anything other than what I am, who I am, and if you stick around long enough, you’re going to wind up knowing all of who I am. I can’t hide, cover, or pretend, and try as I might, I can’t even put a spit-polish on the ugly parts I wish I could hide. I derive meaning from this value because it’s through its expression that the people in my life have really seen the real me; they aren’t just rubbing elbows with an Instagram Shiny Happy People version of me. I have often been told that my authenticity gives other people the psychological safety to remove their own masks.
Wisdom
I don’t necessarily deal in wisdom myself, but I love it when I find myself in proximity to it. It’s not just knowledge; it’s displayed in the application of deep truths within nature, the reciprocity of animals and their environments, and the intersections of spirituality, psychology, anthropology, music, poetry, history and other areas of human expression and understanding. Wisdom problem-solves, creates resonance, and transforms heartache from impossible to bearable. It elicits kindness.
Making a Difference
High Performance coach and best-selling author Brendon Burchard has a three-word mantra he uses to guide his days and evaluate his effectiveness each night: “Live. Love. Matter.” In fact, it’s the first thing you see on his website. He asks himself each night, “Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter?” Whether you are a monk living in a mountain enclave, a mom raising little children, a CEO running a billion-dollar organization, a musician, a machinist, a prisoner, or a writer, that three-word motto gets to the heart of our daily existence. Making a Difference is just another way of saying “I want to MATTER.” I want it to make a difference if I show up or not.
Finding Meaning in the Struggle
Part of the meaning in my life is in the way I show up to the struggle. Life is hard for all of us in one way or another, and I am no different. Even the best-lived and most privileged life has challenges to overcome, or at least to grapple with. At age 56, I have finally come to accept that my biggest struggle will never be overcome. Meaning comes from the tenacity of my will, the resilience I display, and the grit I must summon in order to survive. Depression is the dark stranger always at my door, the boulder to my Sisyphus. It’s exhausting and demoralizing, but since I believe in authenticity and vulnerability, it also puts me squarely in the position to empathize with others and help them when I can. I can connect deeply with people in a way I may not have been able to experience without this thorn in my side.
I take comfort in this quote I heard from best-selling author, speaker, and top podcaster Mel Robbins: “Your path in life is harder because your calling in life is higher. You are destined for more.” Depression isn’t the only hardship I’ve endured. One of the most painful sorrows of my life has been consistent and frequent exposure to the loss of loved ones. Goodbyes are excruciating for me, even believing as I do that they are not forever. They still last a long, lonely time. What this has taught me—the underlying meaning—is that the time for love is now. Say the words. Pick up the phone. Kiss the hurts. Sing the praises. Time passes, and with it, opportunities for a do-over fade into the ether.
The lessons from loss are numerous, but they boil down to these:
· We are here to learn
· We are here to love
· We are here to serve
· We are here to find joy
Embracing Joy Through Connection
Even in the midst of the chaos, fear, and uncertainty of 21st century humanity, joy is possible. When I thought about the ways I grasp joy and live in it as long as my flawed form will allow, they all could be summed up by the word connection. I find joy when I connect to new concepts or information, or I find new ways to understand old knowledge. Or when I connect to critters of all sorts: my pets, a songbird in my backyard maple tree, or watching a bumble bee in my zinnias. When I connect to nature: watching the moonrise, the leaves fall, or going kayaking on a silent lake. When I connect with people: a shared smile with a stranger at the grocery store over a precocious toddler, vibing with other concert-goers over live music, laughing until I can’t breathe with one of my hilarious kids, crying with my wife over cute dog videos on Sunday mornings. Joy is felt when connecting to things that nourish or sustain me – words, music, food, sleep.
Meaning is everywhere. Sometimes it’s nebulous, tenuous, and dissipates almost as soon as it’s noticed. Sometimes it grabs us insistently, for a moment appearing clearly defined. As a lifelong depression sufferer, it can be easily overlooked and dismissed. “Yeah, yeah, meaning-schmeaning. When am I going to FEEL better?” But always, always, it’s there if we but open our eyes and choose to see it.
All photos TK Hart except the first, by Alison Koch.
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Thank you, TK Hart, for your fantastic article! It beautifully captures the journey of discovering meaning in life through personal values and experiences. Your eloquent exploration gracefully navigates authenticity, wisdom, making a difference, embracing struggle, learning from loss, and finding joy through connection. Your vulnerability really adds depth to the piece, and I totally resonated with your honesty. I love how you highlighted how meaning touches the every day through to the extraordinary.
What did you enjoy about TKs reflections on life? Join us in this discussion by leaving a comment below.
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I wrote a post a couple of years ago on my blog about discovering my core values - my husband was a family counsellor and had a similar deck of cards - it was such an eye opener to find what was important to me and then to base my decision making around those key values. (link here if you're interested :) https://www.crestingthehill.com.au/2019/06/discovering-your-core-values.html
TK, so well written, sincere and deeply meaningful. Thanks for sharing. - Jim